It is definitely past time I started telling the world about our baby joy . . . I am now 21 weeks pregnant with Baby Number 3 and could not be more over the moon! Everything has been progressing perfectly and peacefully, exactly as I dreamed and expected. I am quite truly on a high. Nothing can distract me from the pure bliss of carrying this new life within me. I called to this baby and asked him/her to come and make our family complete, and now this tiny soul has arrived! Nothing else matters.
We officially started "ttc" around Halloween 2013 and were successful in April of this year, so thankfully it did not take us very long. In fact, I learned for future reference that perhaps the most effective form of natural birth control discovered to date must be parenthood itself, as having two small children to look after often interrupted, delayed or altogether prevented the "ttc"ing from happening in the first place! Nevertheless, we have been very fortunate and blessed to welcome the presence of this new little being into our lives. How exciting to be feeling all of these delightful taps, stretches and turns from within again! It is a sensation that never gets old and is altogether beyond the humdrum everyday. It is simply thrilling.
For anyone else who is trying to attract a new baby into their family, I've attached below some of the videos I was watching and listening to during that special pre-conception period to ready my mind and body for our baby and to prepare a positive mental state for pregnancy. They are all completely free and can be found on YouTube. I hope that others might find them helpful and that they might give hope and joy to other couples on their conception journeys.
In this short meditation, powerful affirmations combine with unforgettable images and ethereal music to create a soulful piece that inspires gratitude, optimism and deep joy. Although I have never suffered from PCOS as did the author of this video, I have had a few miscarriages. I know what it is like to feel that my body let me down and to lose faith in my body's ability to create and house a new baby, only to heal and re-establish a loving connection with my womb and to become a mother of two gorgeous, healthy children. The same author has also published a Womb Prayer Meditation on YouTube, which does not deal specifically with conception issues but addresses a woman's need to honour, love and be thankful for her womb and all it does to care for and sustain her throughout life. She triumphantly declares that her wombstory is not about what happened to her, but what happened for her. Love it.
Maybe it's my East Coast roots talking here, but I like Bex and her simple, down to earth approach to meditation and spirituality. What she does feels very relaxed and genuine, and she has a very accessible girl-next-door quality that may suit people like me for whom meditation can be challenging or intimidating. She helped me to find the words I wanted to say to our future child, which created a loving bond between us even before conception. It also enabled me to develop trust in my body and in my baby in an easy, natural way. I knew that my baby was on the way because I had already connected with him/her. I felt confident knowing that it was only a matter of time rather than feeling stressed and under pressure to conceive as I have experienced previously.
A wonderful collection of reassuring, comforting and energizing affirmations broken down into categories, such as Affirmations to Release Mental Blocks, Affirmations for Lifestyle Changes and Affirmations for Manifesting a Baby. You can't help but feel empowered and surrounded by positive, supportive energy. View regularly!
Quite simply, I love this woman's soothing, hypnotic voice and could listen to her all day and night! This piece really helped me to visualize my womb as a healthy, warm, welcoming environment that was ready to nurture and grow a new baby. It also helped me to reframe the process of conception in a more spiritual way. Conception is not a bodily function to be controlled and mastered by the intellect. Of course, we may chart our cycles, measure Basal body temperatures and even sometimes need to look for help in the form of fertility treatments depending on our individual situations. However, in essence conception is not forcing or insisting. It is an opening - physically, emotionally and spiritually - to the universal life force which is forever flowing within and without us. We open up to possibility, to love. It is not seizing control but giving it away to another power. This meditation really helped me to tune into that life force and that opening and to trust that my baby would come when s/he knew that the time was right.
I also frequently listened to Maggie Howell's "Prepare to Conceive" CD, which is a part of her Natal Hypnotherapy range. Like Debbie Williams in the video above, she has a voice which to me is simply made for encouraging a relaxed, hypnotic state. The recording is about 25 minutes long and not only includes powerful and comforting visualizations but also stirs and nurtures the feelings of self-love and healing needed to adopt a healthy lifestyle which is conducive to conception. I bought mine on www.amazon.co.uk.
Best wishes to everyone who is waiting for a new little miracle to bless their lives!
According to Trinity College School of Nursing and Midwifery in Dublin, Ireland, "As the number of caesarean sections (CSs) increase, the risks for women also increase. A systematic review and meta-analysis of 21 studies (Marshall et al. 2011) showed that the rates of hysterectomy, blood transfusions, adhesions, and surgical injury all increased with an an increasing number of caesarean births. Thus, a second/third caesarean birth should be avoided by women who have had one/two CSs, if feasible and safe to do so."
In the spirit of promoting safe and positive birth options for mothers who have had prior caesarean(s) and wish to have more children, please find below a preliminary list of links that demonstrate the overall safety and success rates of VBA2C. I will continue to add to this list over time, so check back for updates. In the meantime, I hope readers find this information useful and heartening.
www.acog.org/~/media/Practice Bulletins/Committee on Practice Bulletins -- Obstetrics/pb115.pdf?dmc=1&ts=20130415T1216109630 American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (United States of America) Guidelines on VBAC, revised in 2010: "Given the overall data, it is reasonable to consider women with two previous low transverse cesarean deliveries to be candidates for TOLAC, and to counsel them based on the combination of other factors that affect their probability of achieving a successful VBAC."
http://www.rcog.org.uk/files/rcog-corp/GTG4511022011.pdf
The clinical practice guidelines for birth after previous caesarean birth, published by the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists in the United Kingdom. It states, "Women with a prior history of two uncomplicated low transverse caesarean sections, in an otherwise uncomplicated pregnancy at term, with no contraindication for vaginal birth, who have been fully informed by a consultant obstetrician, may be considered suitable for planned VBAC."
http://www.rcog.org.uk/files/rcog-corp/Birth%20After%20Previous%20Caesarean.pdf
A publication from The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists in the United Kingdom entitled, "Birth After Previous Caesarean: Information for You." They claim, "Overall, about three out of four women (75%) with a straightforward pregnancy who go into labour give birth vaginally following one caesarean delivery . . . Most women with two previous caesarean deliveries will have their next baby by caesarean delivery. However, should you go into labour your chance of a successful vaginal birth is slightly less than this (between 70% and 75%)."
"Delivery After Previous Caesarean Section Clinical Practice Guideline" from the Health Service Executive in the Republic of Ireland. This document states, "In individual circumstances where a woman strongly desires a trial of labour after two previous CS, it may be considered. If the head is engaged, if the cervix is favourable, if there is a history of a prior vaginal delivery and if labour starts spontaneously the risk of a successful VBAC may be high and the risk of UR may be low. However, the risks and benefits of a TOLAC in such cases should be documented antenatally in the notes. There is also a case for not using oxytocic agents either to induce or augment labour in such circumstances (Turner, 2002)."
http://www.ncbi.nlm.gov/pubmed/16816050
A small study which showed no difference between VBA1C and VBA2C success rates, although rates of morbidity were increased for the VBA2C group.
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/store/10.1111/j.1471-0528.2009.02351.x/asset/j.1471-0528.2009.02351.x.pdf;jsessionid=DFE2CED959EF1294D077BCA8AD045250.f01t04?v=1&t=hvbzdwyd&s=85e75e2ce0081634cdee7bd686c2ea6a3f96a44d
This is a meta-analysis of many different studies, comparing success rates and maternal morbidity rates among VBA1C, VBA2C and RCS. It notes a VBA2C success rate of 71.1% and a UR rate for attempted VBA2C as 1.36%. What the authors fail to highlight either in the abstract or in the recommendations is that in the majority of the studies used, induction and augmentation of labour (e.g. oxytocin, syntocinon, prostaglandin gel) were used liberally by obstetricians, and epidurals were also used on many of the mothers involved. Induction and augmentation of labour are known to be associated with comparatively higher rates of uterine rupture, and the use of epidurals is associated with higher rates of caesarean section even in unscarred moms. Therefore, it is distinctly possible that the success rate is lower and the UR rate higher than one would find in a population of spontaneously labouring women who had no augmentation or epidural.
http://live.unicef.org.uk/Documents/Baby_Friendly/Newsletters/News32.pdf
A story about an inspirational obstetrician in Northern Ireland who actively supports a mother's right to choose vaginal birth when it is safe and reasonable to do so. In the 2010 article, Dr. McCabe says that she has facilitated 32 women in achieving vaginal births after 2 surgical births.
In addition to the above mentioned studies and articles, I HIGHLY recommend Jennifer Kamel's website http://vbacfacts.com/13-myths-about-vbac. The website includes an extensive bibliography, which is an invaluable and fascinating resource. One can also purchase the VBAC Facts Webinar and attend a virtual online course that provides an overview of available research relevant to VBAC candidates and their families. Well worth the cost to inform your decision to plan either a VBAC or a repeat CS, depending on your unique circumstances.
I would like to introduce readers to my favourite parenting magazine, JUNO.
JUNO is a natural parenting magazine that inspires and supports families through its range of features, columns and artwork. Established in 2003, it is published four times a year, in March, June, September and December. The editorial is broad, covering all aspects of family life for all ages. JUNO is loved by many readers for its articles that share personal experiences and reflections, and for the beautiful and striking images and illustrations from a range of artists.
JUNO offers fresh perspectives in this fast-paced technological world, creating a non-judgmental community for those who are keen to follow a "natural approach to family life." There are columns on home education, empowered birth, teens and nutrition; interviews, crafts and recipe ideas and a mix of features that can help readers make informed choices as they journey through the challenges of parenting.
"You should just be thankful that you have a healthy baby. That's all that matters."
The witch hunt is on.
The medical profession and the pharmaceutical companies are considered sacrosanct in our culture. Anyone who dares to question or criticize their wild fantasies is branded a heretic, and VBAC moms in particular are labeled selfish mothers who have poor judgment for supposedly endangering the lives of their infants and putting their own desire for "an experience" ahead of the welfare of their child. When we actually look at the scientific research, however, it is so obvious that widespread misconceptions about uterine rupture which are being perpetuated by the medical community and passed on by well-intentioned but uninformed people should really be relegated to the land of the dragons and trolls. At the same time, equally false assumptions and assertions about the safety of the caesarean operation relative to VBAC continue to spread like wildfire. Far from being the domain of the curious mind and a search for the truth, science and technology have become a religion. We worship the holy men and women in the white coats, allowing them to pump us full of narcotics and toxic vaccines and butcher our mothers, and then we hail them as our saviors. As caesarean moms, society and protocol demand that we kiss the ground they walk on, offer everlasting thanks to them for delivering our babies to us safe and sound against all odds, and curse our vile, ill-functioning bodies and Creation itself publicly for their inability to bring forth new life as they were designed to do.
Welcome, 2014! This is truly going to be The Year of Shakti (Empowerment) for our family. I hope it will be for yours, too. We perceive the world through the eyes of the divine mother Kali Ma, and with her wisdom, dignity and strength we are able to see through samsara, the world of illusion, to a life free from slavery to the fears and demons which have been invented to keep us prostrate to the powers that be. Happy New Year, indeed. Happy New Life!
Happy weekend to all!!! Just wanted to post these beautiful and powerful birth affirmations, written by Louise Hay, for anyone who might benefit from a little bit of positive energy and inspiration today. This is for all you lovely ladies who will be giving birth soon. AFFIRMATIONS FOR LABOR My baby and I live in a harmonious world.
We are both totally in tune with the rhythm and flow of life. Birthing is a normal and natural part of life, and we will make the process easy for each other. Our love for each other erases any fears that may come up. We breathe together in perfect harmony. My pelvis opens in perfect Divine right order. Baby and I surrender to the process in ecstasy. We have time to relax, to let go and to even nap, it is all perfect, even pleasurable. When it is time to push, the raw power within me will exert itself, and my baby will slide out with ease. All is well, we are both safe, all is well, we are both loved by Life.
By way of an addendum to my last post, I'd like to recommend highly a blog I came across last summer. Mama Birth features every kind of birth story you can imagine, and she has a special section devoted to VBAC birth stories. Everything from HBAC to VBA4C is captured, and the stories are incredibly emotional and inspiring, written by the Moms themselves. If you are looking for something to sustain your courage and determination to VBAC, look no further! You can find Mama Birth at http://mamabirth.blogspot.com.
Also, check out this powerful video compiled by ICAN and featuring music by Superchick for another reminder that your dream is well within reach.
Our baby
bubble was well and truly burst. The giddy excitement with which we had
arrived at the hospital, anticipating the birth of our baby, had been replaced
by a strong suspicion that maybe my body was just not working properly. I asked, “You’re saying I’ve gone
backwards, even though I’m having contractions?” The midwife shrugged her shoulders and just kept repeating
the same weary comment about her fingertip. She told us that, although I was not "in labour,"
it was hospital policy for us to be admitted because my waters were
trickling. In hindsight, we should have just gone home, but being so
green and unsure of ourselves we did as we were told and made our way up to the
ward.
The first midwife we met there was very young and had a
positive mental attitude. Gentle and smiling, she advised us to disregard
the comments of the admissions staff, reassured us that vaginal exams are not
an exact science and encouraged us just to carry on awaiting the birth of our
baby. I tried to take her good advice on board, and my husband was also
trying to keep me focused and positive. However, after three miscarriages
and the caesarean birth of our first child, my fragile self-confidence was all
too easily shattered.I realise
now that because of my history I possibly needed to be treated with kid gloves. Throughout the day, the paradigm that says, "Birth is scary and dangerous" was accompanied in my subconscious mind by the paradigm which believed that my body was somehow flawed and unable to meet the demands of pregnancy and childbirth. Our paradigms control our perception, and we generally attend only to what is in harmony with our paradigms and to think thoughts and feelings that are supported by those paradigms. They act as a filter. Due to these inappropriate and inaccurate beliefs, I was unable to focus on any of the positives going on and could only focus on the negatives.
How I
wish that lovely young woman could have stayed by our side throughout the
night, but it was late in the day and her shift was coming to an end. She
had been too busy to spend much time with us. A very different midwife took her place. The first
thing she said after meeting us was that she thought it would be best if I took
some pethidine. We were taken
aback, as our birth plan clearly stated, “Please do not offer pain relief
medication. If we need it, we will
ask for it.” When we explained
that we did not want drugs, she stifled a laugh. She mentioned that she had seen in our birth plan that we
wished to use aromatherapy to assist with pain relief. Again, she chuckled when she saw the
little bottles of essential oils arranged neatly in a small plastic box. She grinned and remarked, “Wow, you
brought a whole kit!” We felt so
foolish and feared that the pain of labour would be well beyond our ability to
cope. At this point, my confidence
had been seriously undermined.
I was
very afraid that if I didn’t start progressing quickly and soon, I would be in
danger of having to undergo another surgical delivery for failure to
progress, and the fear and stress were making my experience more and more painful. We paced the corridors
and walked up and down the steps for hours in an effort to encourage speedier
progress. We were utilising the shower, aromatherapy, massage, listening
to music – anything we could. Every
time we saw the night midwife, she spoke to us in a condescending and slightly
ominous tone. At one point, she said something to the effect of, "If
you are not in labour by 11 p.m., we will have to give you antibiotics because
your baby will be in danger of infection.” It felt like a warning of dire things to come. Also, I understand that, medically
speaking, there is a difference between the latent phase and the active phase
of labour. However, to a lay person who has been experiencing ever more
powerful, regularly spaced contractions over many hours and whose waters are leaking, that is the
definition of labour! To be told repeatedly that you are not in labour
when your experience is clearly telling you otherwise, especially when you are
tired and in pain, begins to make you believe you may be losing your mind.
This midwife was anxious to be rid of us for several
reasons. First, she repeatedly offered us pethidine, which we repeatedly
refused.She never seemed to get
her head around the fact that we did not want pain medication.Second, I was too noisy and presumably
disturbing the other women on the ward.We were and are confused since women making noise must be commonplace in
a maternity hospital.I had read
the famous books, “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth” and “Birthing From Within,”
and in these and other sources I had studied during my pregnancy, I learned
that utilising vocalisation and chanting techniques with a wide-open jaw was
one method of encouraging the cervix to open.I was not screaming wildly in agony but deliberately
applying an acknowledged technique of coping with labour pain and assisting the
efforts of the uterus to contract and open the cervix efficiently.I can see now that it was much too
early in my labour to be attempting methods such as this, but again I was in a
panic and trying to avoid surgery in whatever way I could. I am truly very sorry that I made our midwife’s job so
difficult that night and that I was disruptive to the other mothers on the
ward, but I hope that readers can understand our perspective, too.We were facing our first labour scared
and alone.
The final straw for our midwife came in the middle of the
night when my waters officially broke and spilled all over the floor of the
room.In response to this, she
remarked in an exasperated tone, "A pair of panties and a pad wouldn't go astray,
Kali. You are not on the labour and delivery ward." I can
recall thinking, "A pad is not going to do a thing about the 12 litres of
water that just poured out of me!" I will never forget my poor
husband taking towels out of our overnight bags and trying to mop up the floor,
apologizing to her. We felt like small children who had been scolded.
She insisted on performing another vaginal exam, despite
the fact that I begged and pleaded with her not to because I could not handle
any more bad news at that point.Although I was only 2 cm dilated, we were banished to the labour and
delivery ward.She explained to us
that we would have access to gas and air downstairs, and believe it or not some
people can survive labour using only entonox.She still could not understand what we were trying to
accomplish or what we needed to be successful.Even though we had spent good money as private patients to purchase a private
room, it seems we were not permitted to labour on the ward unless I was highly
medicated, quiet and docile in the bed paging through a glossy magazine.
My contractions were becoming more serious, and at the time
I was glad to be leaving that midwife, who was clearly not on our
wavelength.However, if I had
known better, I would have fought to stay on the ward.At least there we had access to the
shower and could labour in the dark room.When we arrived in Suite 3, several midwives were there in a huddle,
clearly perturbed and flustered. They flicked through our birth plan and discussed it
amongst themselves in hushed, angry tones. We heard remarks such as,
"This is ridiculous!" One of the midwives asked my husband,
"Didn't you discuss any of this with your obstetrician?"
We had, of course, discussed the birth plan with
Dr. Prince. To be honest, I did include an item to which she had not
agreed, namely that I did not want to be subjected to continuous electronic
fetal monitoring and wanted the option to labour in water. I was well
aware of the limitations and risks of CTG and was keen to see, quite frankly,
if I could get away with it.Everything else in the birth plan, however, was truly almost commonsense.We simply could not understand why
everyone was so enraged. They seemed to be offended by our very
presence. Was it because of our birth plan?Was it because they did not want to attend a “high-risk”
VBAC?Was it because we should not
have been sent downstairs at only 2 cm dilation?For some reason, we seemed to have incited a rebellion.At any rate, we were abruptly informed
that our birth plan was out of line and that I had no choice but to be hooked
up to the CTG. Everyone left except for the one midwife to whom we had
been assigned.
While in L and D, rather than being chastised, we were
being ignored. I had written in our birth plan that I preferred a quiet
room with conversations, interruptions and questions kept to a minimum.By this, I meant to say that I did not
want people to and fro in and out of the room or to have to discuss the latest
episode of some television programme with anyone.I did not mean that encouragement and advice from our
midwife was unwanted.I assumed that
this was a given.Yet she seemed
to follow this particular request to the letter and barely looked at or spoke
to us throughout the many hours we were in her care.Her eyes and focus remained fixed on the monitor.It seemed to us as though she was on
some sort of work-to-rule.I
cannot ever remember her looking me in the eye until the end of her shift when
she wished me all the best and left.
Simultaneously, she disregarded my request for a quiet
room by having Red FM blaring from a radio, and the place was lit up like the
Fourth of July in spite of my request for dim lighting.Every once in a while, she pleasantly
and casually remarked, “You’re doing fine” while continuing to look at the
monitor.She also occasionally
held out the mouthpiece when she noticed a contraction coming and reminded me,
“Use your gas and air.”Again, I
was not allowed to make any sort of sound and had to put something into my
mouth to stifle any labouring sounds.She did not seem to understand that I was putting down the mouthpiece
because I didn’t want to use it.For one thing, it was making me feel a bit queasy and extremely
thirsty.In addition, it was
preventing me from opening my jaw during contractions, which was necessary
for me to employ the aforementioned vocalisation technique.Time and again, we asked if the sound
on the monitor could be turned down or if it could be positioned in such a way
that we could not see it, as it had become a major source of distraction and
worry, but she was unwilling to reach a compromise on this.My husband and I were both so exhausted
and tormented, feeling somehow shamed and rejected, that neither one of us even
had the courage to move or speak to change the conditions in which we found
ourselves.
I did have moments of clarity during which I attempted to
escape my plight. On three separate occasions (once when our midwife was
on a tea break and we had a replacement whom I hoped would be more
understanding), I tried to use the toilet, sure that the cursed belts would be
removed temporarily and I could get a brief respite. I was hoping to try another technique about which I had read in Ina May's book, sitting on the toilet backwards in order to facilitate dilation. No luck.On each occasion, the midwife followed
me into the toilet, pulling the monitor along with me as my husband helped me
to walk amidst all the wires.The
result was that I did not successfully manage to use the toilet all night
long.When I was finally hooked up
to the epidural, urine gushed into the catheter bag.Such a full bladder surely would have impeded the baby’s
descent.I also begged repeatedly
to be allowed a 5-minute shower or bath to help with the labour pain. I
was denied again and again, and in response to my final request our midwife
impatiently demanded to my husband, "Put an end to this!"I have spoken to other women who were
permitted brief intervals without the CTG to use the toilet at the very same
hospital, and I do not understand why I was not allowed this common courtesy.
At some point, I looked at the clock and realised with
relief that morning, and a change of shift, was coming.I asked at what time did Dr. Prince normally arrive at the hospital.I
was desperate to see her, sure that a familiar face and her reassuring demeanor
would turn things around for us.I
knew she would tell me that what I was experiencing was all completely normal
and that I was doing a great job.However, by the time Dr. Prince arrived, the damage had already been
done.I was still at 4 cm, and my
cervix had begun to swell.In
addition, the baby had developed a caput, and the CTG had picked up early
decelerations in our baby’s heartbeat.I was put on an epidural for two hours in an attempt to reduce the
swelling and get things back on track, but to no avail.It was not going to happen.Our VBAC attempt was over, and we were
taken to theater.
To be fair, our second caesarean birth was a much more
positive, family-centered experience than we had had during the birth of our
first child, and fortunately neither my son nor I suffered any serious physical
side-effects. Dr. Prince allowed me to have immediate skin-to-skin
contact, and I wept with joy as I felt my gooey, slimy baby all over my naked
chest. She also never revealed our baby's gender to us. They lowered the screen just in time for me to see a baby being lifted up out of me. His back was to me, but I saw something dangling between his legs! What a thrill to see for myself that our precious little Spud was a boy. Then, she turned him around towards me, and I could see two huge blue eyes gazing around the room, awake and alert and raring to go. The
anaesthesiologist was also nothing less than brilliant. She absolutely
mothered me, helped me to sip water from a straw, informed me of everything
that was happening and put me at ease every step of the way. She even
checked in with us later on when we were in the recovery room to congratulate
us.
Similarly, the second midwife who attended us after the
change of shift was equally amazing. By this time, I had been given an
epidural in a last-ditch effort to reduce the swelling in my cervix, so
“labour” as such was no longer in progress. She talked to me gently about my
disappointment over not having a vaginal birth, and she reminded the surgical
team about my wishes for skin-to-skin. She was chatty and encouraging,
relating her own experiences as a mother of four to my own journey of growing
into motherhood. Having a midwife present with me during the caesarean
made a huge difference in terms of my ability to handle a challenging
situation, and in a way I enjoyed the birth. Although I had desired a
vaginal birth with all my heart and soul, ironically it was the surgical team
that made me feel pampered, relaxed and focused on the arrival of our brand new
baby.They treated me with dignity
and respect and made me feel like a queen before, during and after the surgery.I felt as though I’d been lifted up
onto a pedestal after all the negativity we had endured during the labour.Perhaps I was simply relieved that my
ordeal with the midwives was over.
(end of birth story)
Our Baby Boy Bamm-Bamm was born on Friday afternoon at 1:35 p.m., and later that evening I was alone with him for the first time when my husband went home to be with Pebbles and relieve Nana and Pop of their child minding duties. For as long as I live, I will never forget sitting on the hospital bed staring at the blank white wall in front of me holding an 8 lb. 6 oz., healthy, strong, eagerly nursing newborn in my arms and feeling absolutely certain that I was going to die. I had no idea how anyone could ever possibly right this wrong. How could I have allowed this to happen again? I felt so deeply ashamed of myself and humiliated, I was sure I could never look at myself in the mirror again, let alone look my son in the eye and explain this. I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with myself. I was draped in self-loathing, having let down myself and this precious child so. I couldn't even face him. He deserved a better mother than me. To add insult to injury, Dr. Prince came to see me on Monday morning and told me that if we were to have any more children they would have to be delivered by elective c-section. I would now never birth my own child. I was completely and utterly devastated. These dark emotions haunted me for many months. It goes without saying that I am eternally grateful to have a healthy, happy son and a longed for younger sibling for our daughter. Yet I suffered from post-natal depression, devastated that I had been unable to give my son the normal birth every baby deserves, and this had a major impact on our family and on the earliest days of my son’s life. There was no medicine I could take to keep me going and to sustain me except to gaze at him and Pebbles lovingly and endlessly and try to summon up the strength to go on. I knew I could not simply dissolve and leave two motherless babies behind. Even if I was a failure and a good-for-nothing, I was still their mother, and every baby needs a mother. Although we had always planned to have three children, I was sure I would have to give up that dream. I couldn’t go through another surgery.
I did not die in hospital, but the woman I was, in no uncertain terms, was annihilated that day. My day of reckoning had come. I could almost physically see all of my beliefs, assumptions, desires and values falling to pieces like broken glass raining down on me, cutting and scarring me as the caesarean knife had done. I had been hollowed out, traumatised, empty of my baby, empty of myself. Again, I lay weary and broken in a hospital bed, the sheets crisp and crimson with dried blood. Again, I was maimed and branded a failure. Yet this time, I had a secret weapon. I had actually laboured. Although I had not enjoyed the enthusiastic support, companionship and calm presence of a skilled, experienced midwife, my husband had been wonderfully encouraging and tirelessly supportive throughout, even though he was just as scared and confused as I was. Somehow, in spite of a disastrous cascade of events, working with him had enabled me to access some other plane of existence beyond my everyday world. I was not permitted to enter, but beneath the groggy veil of birthing hormones it was within arm's reach, a promised land where a different life path and a better world in which to raise our family lie. The altered state of consciousness I had entered during labour had provided me with an escape hatch into another realm outside the boundaries of my subconscious inner fearscape. In those early days, I had yet to find it, but I knew that it was there. As a result, something in me rebelled when I heard my doctor pronounce my lifelong sentence of prohibition against vaginal birth. My intuition told me that this could not possibly be right, that more surgery could not be the answer and could never fix what ailed me inside or out. I had to find the answer. I held tight to my baby through my tears and anguish, groping in the darkness of my despair and inner turmoil, until at last I found it and won my freedom.
My
quest has led me to spend the past 16 months reading and studying
various sources and doing some serious soul searching in an attempt to
understand how I failed so spectacularly in my VBAC attempt. One of my
great discoveries has been the philosophies of the functioning and faculties of the mind, and the power each of us has to control and direct the mind, to which I have alluded in previous posts. My acceptance and
understanding of these ideas may never have been possible but for the
caesarean births, which primed my mind to receive the information. I
will dedicate my next post to describing these in detail. However, of
equal importance was the self-examination which I undertook,
endeavouring to discern the role I played in all this and, without an
attitude of judgement or accusation, to seize this opportunity and to use
this tragedy to create positive change in my life and the lives of my
family. Michael Beckwith has said that in any situation, no matter how challenging, we must accept it, harvest the good and forgive all the rest. Similarly, Napoleon
Hill asserted that within every failure or difficulty
there is always a seed of an equivalent benefit if one is open to
receiving it. This is wise advice which I have dedicated myself to following. I have been challenged to face up to some very hard
realities and questions, but through this I
have begun to realise the true gifts of my caesareans (apart from my
radiant, healthy, gorgeous children, but of course that goes without
saying!!!), which have actually revolutionised my
life and my thinking. I can see clearly that the way I was living and choices I made
before and during the pregnancy, not just once I went into labour, led
to the second c-birth.
Through my reading and research, I also came across information about VBA2C which, to my surprise, indicated that the risks of uterine rupture are comparable to those associated with VBA1C. Far from the horror stories one hears or at least imagines about exploding uteri and dead babies, the overall risk of UR during a non-induced, non-augmented VBA2C is likely in the vicinity of 1%. This means that a VBAC is still very much within our reach and highly preferable to another surgical birth, as it is a well-known and established fact that the complications resulting from caesareans increase with each surgical birth. After much discussion and weighing up of risks and
benefits, we are satisfied that having another child and pursuing a VBA2C is
the best course of action for us and our family, and we can’t wait to welcome
another child into our lives to love and cherish forever.At first, I was extremely reluctant to
see Dr. Prince again even though she was our obstetrician for both of our
children’s births and we always enjoyed a wonderful working relationship with
her.After the fiasco that had
occurred during the birth of our son, I felt so humiliated that I wasn’t sure I
could return to the same hospital and face the same doctor again. I did some
investigating and talked to several medical professionals, however, and it
seems that all avenues lead back to Dr. Prince when it comes to
evidence-based care and facilitating a couple’s right to a VBAC whenever it is
safe and reasonable to do so.I
mustered up the courage to return to "Caesarean Central," as we jokingly refer to it, and ask for support, and both my
husband and I were thrilled to receive her wholehearted encouragement.
Our journey continues. . .
I will close this post with a song. I know it's really a break-up song, but it describes so well how I felt during all those months when I was looking for answers. Long after I accepted that I was the only one who could heal the wounds within, I desperately wished that someone could make it all go away with a wave of a magic wand, a potion or a spell, a gaze into a crystal ball. It's cheesy, I know, but this song always made me feel that I was understood.
